i apologize

we try to own and control that which is not ours to have. sadly, it appears in our nature to do so. is it brought on by having been "owned" and "controlled" by our parents? therefore we seek to recreate it, in some form, in our lives - with or without children. or is it generated from another source? one equally subconscious but driven by emotions, a desire to fill a void with a lack of the proper intelligence required to do so.

it's a perplex issue in that (in most instances), i do not believe there is malintent. we wish things for ourselves and others, we want things for ourselves and others, we believe in things for ourselves and others - and in so wishing, wanting, believing we attempt to realize said things. despite the purported innocence of our behavior, we are still attempting to manipulate people and situations.

this is clearly a difficult path to navigate. we often believe that all we do is intrinsically good. we love, therefore our actions are simply the manifestations of said emotion and therefore pure and fair. but what of our actions can legitimately be defined as pure? when often what is in it for us, is equally as important to us, as what is in it for them. it's so sad yet so true, as cynical as it may seem but all of this, perhaps, has been thrust upon us by conditioning or innocently by the emotions that drive most, if not all of our actions. this affords us a tiny "out".

once one realizes the root of one's actions, it doesn't necessarily make it easier to behave differently in the moment every time...but sometimes may be enough. and in those missed opportunities to act outside ourselves, one has the chance to assess.

i wish, i pray, i endeavor to act outside myself. i do not always achieve my goal but i wish, i hope, i pray that the individual on the receiving end understands my best intentions.

nature

oh, how i dream of a far away place where sea and land meet eagerly, like lovers joining in an eternal embrace. a landscape artistically crafted; each sturdy tree bending towards the ocean with outstretched arms, a yearning in its reach for its other half. The ocean, unfettered, gently lapping the land, filling seen and unseen spaces to make it whole. With each new day, they grow further united, yielding to one another's existence - distinctly different yet inseparably the same.

i will one day see beauty such as this with my own eyes.

security

that which you wish to uncover is written in my eyes. a portal to all that is real and right.

my weakness...transfix your gaze upon them for my wicked eyes will belay my inner promptings of security and defense.

such a wretched betrayal. forcing proclamations with downcast eyes, exposing my inner-self. unabashedly dispossessing my sovereignty.

no mysteries to be revealed, no question as to motives, no doubt as to affection, sadness, anger - with one glance into these eyes.

yet, though tortured, i implore you to meet them. i expose my weakness.

the most fervent truth lies here: these eyes will never lie to you. for that alone i will withstand such defiance.

super nova

Oh bright star, take me under your sweet spell. envelope me in your warm inviting glow, soothe me with the soft hum of your light. grant me a peace that would calm a dozen relentless rainstorms. enchant me with your mystical powers. i surrender to your will as the night does to day.

oh bright star, are you real or merely a figment of my unwieldy imagination? do you exist in the distance, a being on which i can cast my dreams? or have you long gone from that faraway place where my eyes rest transfixed? a luminous shadow of what once was, a star lost ages ago, a super nova casting memories about like celestial debris?

oh bright star...

great line i read today

Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts.

- Charles Dickens (Great Expectations)

nyc in stereo

city streets magnified, engaging senses...buzzing, it's intoxicating sensory overload.
colors pulse, the beat of the diaspora.
sounds erupt, the vivacious character of its inhabitants.
heat rises, caliente to the touch but never enough to slow it down.
speed. intensity. energy.
nothing like the city on a hot summer day.

joy

There is happiness and there is joy. Happiness, I'm told, is derived from happenings. While joy comes from deep inside, born of no circumstance; it dwells. The word joy has perplexed me. Happiness I understand, I've experienced it on timeless occasions but joy seems evasive. Too large of a word, of an experience for me to claim. But what a magical thing joy must be; to find joy untethered. It's a Godly thing, is it not? A certain peace must exist for it to thrive. If happiness is based on happenings then joy is based on sweet nothingness, self-created or willed by God. What an amazing idea.

I will not betray my emotions. As complex as joy may appear, I think I've danced with it over the years. Periods of a feeling so overwhelming I was moved to tears, feeling so blessed and so full of life, yet, as I look back these too seem tied to "happenings". So were they joy or were they happiness? Perhaps happiness is ill-defined. Or perhaps there are no words that can rightly define either emotion. Instead we should leave it to the heart to determine what is and save ourselves the wasted time searching for words. Words do fail us, our hearts do not.

Today I choose joy, it fills me, for too many reasons to count. I'm blessed, I'm loved, I live. What gifts these are to a little person like me. The rest is (nearly) meaningless.