Who Am I

Without disappointment, sadness and unhappiness are we complete? Or is there no way for us to truly know who we are without these emotions? Lamentation, examination and resolution providing further clues into the complexities of the human spirit that help define us.

hello

Oh how I have missed you. I think of you often, yet neglect you all the same. My thoughts and feelings, my creations whirling in my mind with not-quite-the-right words devised to communicate the beautiful chaos. i promise to return soon.

dreams

All that I have has slipped through my fingers like trying to make castles in the sand. The castles in my mind - sturdy, beautiful, fairy tale like but my hands do not bring my dreams to life. Time and effort crumbles between my inept fingers. These hands were not made to build. They do not craft fine things. My dreams do not come to life at my will. Instead, the sand castles fall, gracefully, fluidly, surprisingly quickly; my dreams erode. The fate of sand castles - to fall or be washed away, beautiful and short-lived, like my dreams.

futility

I resist the passage of time. I fortify myself in this poignant moment, the moment in which I have become the most complete version of myself.
I beg time to yield, to grant me respite from its eternal ticking.
But time continues on and with it my moment fades into a slowly blurring past.
My realized self becomes a former version of me and I start again brand new.
Tick, tick, tick…

falling for you

Deeper and deeper I fall. Light has been suffocated by penetrating darkness, as I have been suffocated by your consuming presence. I need not light, nor air to live; only the sustenance which your being provides, that which i crave ceaselessly. your eyes, i seek their gaze. cast them upon me now, they alone generate the light i need to guide my way. your eyes, like a beacon ensuring my safety, drawing me into you, my eternal stronghold. i hold my breath in restless anticipation of your embrace. nothing, nothing, nothing breathes life into me as you do. once within your grasp, i breathe you in. my soul is gratified, my spirit whole. i fall and in so doing, i arrive.

key

i yearn to hear your voice, to feel your warm breath on my cheek. whisper those words i wait endlessly to hear. your mouth is the key to my pandora's box. unlock my mysteries, my desires...set me free.

i apologize

we try to own and control that which is not ours to have. sadly, it appears in our nature to do so. is it brought on by having been "owned" and "controlled" by our parents? therefore we seek to recreate it, in some form, in our lives - with or without children. or is it generated from another source? one equally subconscious but driven by emotions, a desire to fill a void with a lack of the proper intelligence required to do so.

it's a perplex issue in that (in most instances), i do not believe there is malintent. we wish things for ourselves and others, we want things for ourselves and others, we believe in things for ourselves and others - and in so wishing, wanting, believing we attempt to realize said things. despite the purported innocence of our behavior, we are still attempting to manipulate people and situations.

this is clearly a difficult path to navigate. we often believe that all we do is intrinsically good. we love, therefore our actions are simply the manifestations of said emotion and therefore pure and fair. but what of our actions can legitimately be defined as pure? when often what is in it for us, is equally as important to us, as what is in it for them. it's so sad yet so true, as cynical as it may seem but all of this, perhaps, has been thrust upon us by conditioning or innocently by the emotions that drive most, if not all of our actions. this affords us a tiny "out".

once one realizes the root of one's actions, it doesn't necessarily make it easier to behave differently in the moment every time...but sometimes may be enough. and in those missed opportunities to act outside ourselves, one has the chance to assess.

i wish, i pray, i endeavor to act outside myself. i do not always achieve my goal but i wish, i hope, i pray that the individual on the receiving end understands my best intentions.

nature

oh, how i dream of a far away place where sea and land meet eagerly, like lovers joining in an eternal embrace. a landscape artistically crafted; each sturdy tree bending towards the ocean with outstretched arms, a yearning in its reach for its other half. The ocean, unfettered, gently lapping the land, filling seen and unseen spaces to make it whole. With each new day, they grow further united, yielding to one another's existence - distinctly different yet inseparably the same.

i will one day see beauty such as this with my own eyes.

security

that which you wish to uncover is written in my eyes. a portal to all that is real and right.

my weakness...transfix your gaze upon them for my wicked eyes will belay my inner promptings of security and defense.

such a wretched betrayal. forcing proclamations with downcast eyes, exposing my inner-self. unabashedly dispossessing my sovereignty.

no mysteries to be revealed, no question as to motives, no doubt as to affection, sadness, anger - with one glance into these eyes.

yet, though tortured, i implore you to meet them. i expose my weakness.

the most fervent truth lies here: these eyes will never lie to you. for that alone i will withstand such defiance.

super nova

Oh bright star, take me under your sweet spell. envelope me in your warm inviting glow, soothe me with the soft hum of your light. grant me a peace that would calm a dozen relentless rainstorms. enchant me with your mystical powers. i surrender to your will as the night does to day.

oh bright star, are you real or merely a figment of my unwieldy imagination? do you exist in the distance, a being on which i can cast my dreams? or have you long gone from that faraway place where my eyes rest transfixed? a luminous shadow of what once was, a star lost ages ago, a super nova casting memories about like celestial debris?

oh bright star...

great line i read today

Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts.

- Charles Dickens (Great Expectations)

nyc in stereo

city streets magnified, engaging senses...buzzing, it's intoxicating sensory overload.
colors pulse, the beat of the diaspora.
sounds erupt, the vivacious character of its inhabitants.
heat rises, caliente to the touch but never enough to slow it down.
speed. intensity. energy.
nothing like the city on a hot summer day.

joy

There is happiness and there is joy. Happiness, I'm told, is derived from happenings. While joy comes from deep inside, born of no circumstance; it dwells. The word joy has perplexed me. Happiness I understand, I've experienced it on timeless occasions but joy seems evasive. Too large of a word, of an experience for me to claim. But what a magical thing joy must be; to find joy untethered. It's a Godly thing, is it not? A certain peace must exist for it to thrive. If happiness is based on happenings then joy is based on sweet nothingness, self-created or willed by God. What an amazing idea.

I will not betray my emotions. As complex as joy may appear, I think I've danced with it over the years. Periods of a feeling so overwhelming I was moved to tears, feeling so blessed and so full of life, yet, as I look back these too seem tied to "happenings". So were they joy or were they happiness? Perhaps happiness is ill-defined. Or perhaps there are no words that can rightly define either emotion. Instead we should leave it to the heart to determine what is and save ourselves the wasted time searching for words. Words do fail us, our hearts do not.

Today I choose joy, it fills me, for too many reasons to count. I'm blessed, I'm loved, I live. What gifts these are to a little person like me. The rest is (nearly) meaningless.

path

shine a light on me, or better yet, shine a light ahead of me to lead the way.
make it a bright light, for a dim path is hard to follow.
shine this light so bright, my steps are marked far into the future.
shine this light so certainly, that there is no doubt as to my direction.
make it a natural light because anything less can't be trusted.
shine this light and i will follow.

that which is yet to come

grace - a beautiful word, a word which incites emotion in me, a humbling word. i hope to write of grace one day.

charades

Lavish me with compliments.
Blind me with your praise.
Adorn me with sweet sentiment.
Fool me with charades.

Cherish me for time eternal with your put-on words.
Love me with divergent passion, tones of muddled bliss.
Speak to me in borrowed moments, of a future quite remiss.
Whilst I in faithful servitude, forever loyal will remain;
casting wishes into night, that alas will end in pain.

golden touch

dancing drops of sunshine fall gently from the sky.
fresh and cool upon my skin, the little rain drops glide.
the golden warmth of sunset takes me in its arms.
i yield to it and like magic, i too shine.

an imperfect thing

quiet suits me. in it lies immense possibility, limitless direction.
truth is told in silence. fear falls away, love is exposed.
it frames my humanity. i am but one tiny thing in a grand universe.

i am myself in this quiet. not that which others perceive and i inevitably live into. no airs, no weighty layers of expectation, no struggle. in it i can appreciate the blessings that have been bestowed upon me.

this silence is refreshing, it provides a cleansing of the spirit. the challenge is to hold on to all that is gained once i let the "noise" back in. every time i try, only to return to this place an imperfect human.

...the phone rings.

what comes in whispers

words are sometimes spoken gently, yet their power is beyond reproach.
truth be told in subtle tones, sounds of peace alight,
but in one's ear the words are screaming, pleasantries are slight.
and in one's heart the pain is searing, the words, their meaning does encroach,
steadfastly one guards against them but words surpass one's might.

Glory

I long for endless days such as this. Restful days in which sunshine bursts through my windows warming my skin and soothing my spirit. The birds with their calls and the trees' shifting leaves form an orchestra of nature's melodies, brightly beckoning the wonder of this moment in time. I take it in, drenched in the goodness only mother nature can provide. An experience we all too often take for granted; another day will come and another...but today will be no more. So on this day I cherish its glory and let it consume me.

The sun radiates, flooding my home with streams of glowing light and in this instant peace and beauty prevail.