i apologize

we try to own and control that which is not ours to have. sadly, it appears in our nature to do so. is it brought on by having been "owned" and "controlled" by our parents? therefore we seek to recreate it, in some form, in our lives - with or without children. or is it generated from another source? one equally subconscious but driven by emotions, a desire to fill a void with a lack of the proper intelligence required to do so.

it's a perplex issue in that (in most instances), i do not believe there is malintent. we wish things for ourselves and others, we want things for ourselves and others, we believe in things for ourselves and others - and in so wishing, wanting, believing we attempt to realize said things. despite the purported innocence of our behavior, we are still attempting to manipulate people and situations.

this is clearly a difficult path to navigate. we often believe that all we do is intrinsically good. we love, therefore our actions are simply the manifestations of said emotion and therefore pure and fair. but what of our actions can legitimately be defined as pure? when often what is in it for us, is equally as important to us, as what is in it for them. it's so sad yet so true, as cynical as it may seem but all of this, perhaps, has been thrust upon us by conditioning or innocently by the emotions that drive most, if not all of our actions. this affords us a tiny "out".

once one realizes the root of one's actions, it doesn't necessarily make it easier to behave differently in the moment every time...but sometimes may be enough. and in those missed opportunities to act outside ourselves, one has the chance to assess.

i wish, i pray, i endeavor to act outside myself. i do not always achieve my goal but i wish, i hope, i pray that the individual on the receiving end understands my best intentions.