the funny thing about materialism

i'm not a lavish person, i don't believe in a lot of excess. i'd say i like nice things...absolutely. i just don't believe in having a lot of them. i don't own the latest this or that. it actually pains me to spend money on certain things and i often times feel guilty when i know i'm spending lavishly.

it's funny to see the ideas i have about myself tested and to watch myself fail miserably. what am i talking about? well on my trip to sierra leone my luggage got stranded in london until a day and a half before our departure. so what does that mean. i had 1 long sleeve shirt, 1 short sleeve shirt, 1 set of undergarments, 1 pair of socks, 1 pair of jeans, capri yoga pants and my trusty converse. that's it. clothes that would normally only be enough for one day, no hair products, no face wash, no deodorant. the temperature was a hot sunny 90 degrees or more.

i had packed enough for 2 changes of clothes a day. figuring we'd be doing so much running around during the day i'd need to shower and change for the evening (and i did - but couldn't). the guest house we stayed at was great - but because of the electricity issues in sierra leone (run mostly by generator) air conditioning was only available at night. the cars didn't have air either. so basically we are sweating ALL day and i was wearing the same outfit everyday. no joke. jeans are great but when it's hot they are stifling!

i handwashed what i could (because the humidity on certain days wouldn't allow things to dry) but i ended up wearing my boyfriends boxer briefs for a couple of days because i had no choice.

my hair was an absolute mess the entire time. i refused to buy health and beauty aids because i thought my luggage would arrive any day and it wasn't worth spending the money. i was miserable but trying to fight it. i was in sierra leone and it would not be worth it to let my luggage situation damper my experience. i got over it, bought a tank top and an african dress (which i could only wear one day because of all the sweating).

what it made me consider was my actual attachment to these items i knew were on their way eventually. i knew that had i prepped myself before the trip, had decided to live very basically - i would have been fine. but i hadn't mentally prepared myself for this. and i realized how sad it was.

people everyday live with less and are happy - because they know nothing else. how spoiled i felt due to my frustrations. how dare i feel a loss for things that those around me don't even know. a luggage full of clothing and accessories. i learned a definite lesson. i dealt with it. i got over it, and i managed all the same. it was an extremely humbling experience.

the arrival

we finally landed. hours later then anticipated in the dark, dark night. total travel time (with a 3 hour stop in london), 20 hours. there were mistakes by the airline, confused passengers, a missing passenger, and missing luggage....namely mine (and that of a woman from the World Bank we got to know).

the air was crisp yet warm and we were anxious but it was too dark to see anything but the little airport. Lungi airport, similar to other airports in developing countries....boxy, basic, equipment lagged behind quite a number of years. it's size i'd equate to about double the size of one of those huge, fancy car washes (with less amenities).

Lungi airport is on a peninsula. transport options to Freetown: helicopter and ferry. there we were, in Sierra Leone, a helicopter ride away from Freetown.

• helicopter ride about 10 minutes = US $50
• ferry ride about 40 minutes then a taxi ride another 15 = 1st class (air conditioned) $5000 leones + $15000 leones taxi ($20 leones, about US $7).
  

another option used to be the hovercraft but it broke down, and driving which do to a lack of paved roads takes about 4 hours. It was too late for the ferry so helicopter it was.

as for my luggage, i'd go all but one full day with out it but that's for another post...

unchartered territory

i was unsure of what to expect. it was almost odd. i've traveled to many places and always had a sense of what i would encounter but there was something about this trip. something that did not allow me to formulate an image in my mind. i was going to Africa, Sierra Leone more specifically, a country seemingly made popular by the hollywood film "blood diamond". Africa, a continent made up of 52 independent countries, unknown to most for many reasons - distance, strife, bad publicity, among others. i think i may have had too many images in my mind - historical, cultural, fantastical - too many to conjure up something concrete, and fearful of doing so and limiting myself or foolishly buying into someone else's interpretation. so my mind remained blank - open to whatever elements filled my eyes upon arrival....

i'm back

i must welcome myself back to my own blog. i ignored her for too long, unsure of the words I wished to share; so many and so few at once. BUT I AM BACK!! back in multiple ways, back to my blog, recently back in the country and back in the spirit that draws me to record my words. where did i go? i went upside down a bit, i went inside a bit, i got clear a bit...then i went to Sierra Leone for a bit.

god's country

the sky - a deep, penetrating shade of blue, dotted with thick, shapely clouds in a rainbow of bright white to gray-blue. the sky, painted against the backdrop of open road and distant vibrant green mountains. i drove through the valley admiring the view. day dreams of skipping through the clouds, free, exuberant and limitless. the beauty and miracle of our world at play, i drove, unable to adequately describe the scene before me. the best i could do was save a picture with my eyes and store it in my mind. i've seen no daytime sky as beautiful as this or perhaps i just failed to notice.

draft never published 2007

is life complicated or do we make it so?
is it our egos, emotions and fears that take the place of our sensibility?
is it clarity or tragedy we seek to entertain us?

what is the point at which we realize we've lost our way and seek redemption?

the sea of life

life is like the ocean. like the waves that break on the shore it ebbs and flows. it comes on strong then recedes, it's authoritative yet playful. if not cautious and attentive it may use its force to pull you under and carry you away. high and low tides are its ups and downs. it's mysteries lie deep below the surface begging to be revealed but only available to those who truly honor it's magnificence. life is like the ocean, salty yet awe-inspiring, it gives and takes away. with out it, nothing would exist.

todo tiene su final

nada dura para siempre. in the words of hector lavoe - everything has its end, nothing lasts forever. all around us things come to an end. some peacefully, others not so much. some necessary ends, others cut short before their time. but all things do end. "the end"can mark the beginning of a bold new chapter for some and the sad end of an era for others. it can be defined as birth or death all dependent upon which side you are standing on. it's kind of ironic.

well an end is arriving for me. it marks the completion of a cycle in my life that surrounded a period of development. despite the separation of work from play, family and spirituality, it's interesting how it can serve as the context in which all other things happen. similar to how many remember the high school or college years by events that took place within particular years of their studies. my life has been written within the hardbound covers of my professional career. perhaps i'm being dramatic. but when i look back, i see a girl - uncomfortable in her own skin, not sure of her direction. i recall, life changing experiences - intimate relationships, life, death, discovery. as i look to the present, i find a woman - knowing, humble yet confident, looking intently into the future. there's lots more life waiting to happen as i take the next step in my professional life. beginnings and ends. perhaps its time for a new book por que todo tiene su final and this one is just around the corner.

leaving on a jet plane

so i do a lot of traveling. it's one of my favorite things to do. experience new cultures, new countries and ways of life, where the world moves at a snail's pace and is probably happier and healthier for it. well, since i do a lot of traveling both within the US and outside of it, i've made some observations. and the one i find most interesting by far is the airplane environment. so picture your last flight. plane takes off, there's some sleep, maybe a movie, slim to no chance of food but it does happen, a couple of minutes of turbulence and then you land. story over right? you grab your things and impatiently wait to deplane. well that all depends on where you are flying to. After multiple flights to Puerto Rico and a flight to Haiti (all filled with natives) i've first hand experienced energy charged flights which upon landing applause and cheers abound. so i've pondered the catalyst behind the applause.

a. cheers for the pilot, showing gratitude for a job well done
b. general gratitude for having arrived safely
c. a combo of the above

I can't think of any other reasons here. But I tell you this - if it's any of the above it tells me something about the differences in our cultures. I don't clap when I touch down in any US state, or country outside the states for that matter. Am i taking things for granted? Am i desensitized? Or do we all just exhibit our thankfulness in different ways? I say a quick prayer and give my love to everyone (just in case) before each take off and a thanks when i land. all inside, to myself. Maybe i lack the vibrancy of other cultures (and yes i am puerto rican but my native friends have pointed out i'm still a gringa, i do recognize the differences in our ways of being). not sure if there is one easy answer here. but i tell you this. i absolutely LOVE those plane rides that end in jovial celebration. i get a warm fuzzy feeling inside which feels so good!

time races by....

and often i wonder - where did it go? summer is over, another birthday has passed, as has another year on the job. time's race becomes life's marathon but the question remains the same. where did it go? it's as if we glide through life in an almost trance like state. under the control of external forces we seem to allow to take on this control over our lives. i want to say STOP, i won't be forced to take part in this rat race. but then that force shoves my face right back into the mess. i want to stop, breath, forget the responsibilities of modern living. stop, breath, open my eyes to the world and it's grandeur. forget the luxuries and so-called necessities of life, i want the basics - happiness, love, longevity. i want to enjoy good people all the time and allow them to enjoy me with out the stigmas, without office politics. i want to stop, breath.....oh no, lunch breaks over.

la isla del encanto

shades of blue meet at the horizon and calm ensues. the sun adds life to my surroundings as yellow hues rain down from above spotlighting everything in its path. the palm trees remind me i'm in another world. cool, salty breezes on hot sunny days envelope me, sending my mind adrift with colorful tropical thoughts.

i've traveled thousands of miles to get here, a visitor to the birthplace of my parents, my grandparents...but all of me knows that i am home. i envision the era before my time when this land was theirs, when they lived and breathed, worked and played here. their home and the home of countless others, yet i stand here, una extranjera, and i am home. the connection transcends time and distance, it transcends history; born of the power and pride derived from my roots. i breathe in the salty air and with it the spirit of my ancestry.

friends take time

Georgia O'Keeffe said: "Nobody sees a flower, really it is so small. We haven't the time - and to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time."

I like that quote a lot. I look out at my sea of friends - old friends, new friends, haven't spoken to them in months but we are still close friends friends, family members who are friends friends. I consider them all and love them for all they are and all they aren't. As I in turn hope they love me too for my strengths, weaknesses and idiosyncracies.

Phone friends, dinner once every two months friends, adventure friends, laugh out loud with friends, cry with friends - all "for keeps" friends. I consider the people in my life, the concious choices made that feed the glorious circle of friends in my life and I feel blessed and honored to be among them.

Thank you, thank you for yesterday, today and tomorrow. I've got all the time in the world for you.

collections

I like sparkly colorful things. They catch my eye and mezmerize me. Perhaps its the bright colors that glitter when the light hits them just right. Could be the happy feelings that color brings out in me, like the excitement over a sunny day with bright blue sky as spring delivers us the first new growth of the season. Maybe its the playful twinkle that conjures up memories of youthful days. I'm drawn in. I want to touch these things, to feel them and make them real to me - to transfer some of thier vibrancy into me. I want to collect such things to store away this energy for darker days. To feel secure in knowing I have a collection of sparkly, colorful things - fragments of my youth and spirit saved in a small tin box.

We all collect things, material, emotional, mental, spiritual. Explore your collection today.

unspoken

what lies beneath the surface can not be spoken, only experienced. an energy charged existence free of words, almost primal. what lies beneath the surface, intimate in nature, communicated through knowing glances and intertwined souls. it's subconcious made concious by like minds. naked and raw it lives within us all. With whom shall it be shared?

over the rainbow

where does reality end and fantasy begin? or perhaps it is - where does fantasy end and reality kick in? do we seek unattainable dreams? grandiose interpretations of what should be but never exists in reality. have we been polluted by childhood fairytales or parents' overzealous lectures about how we are kings and queens? to dream or to pretend? to dream or to fool?

9 to 5

a circus act, i walk a tightrope, balancing the duality of the human persona. always fearing the fall, i step softly, slowly - conscious of what lies at the bottom of either side of the line that divides me. encumbered by the thought that i may lose myself in the fall i push forward.

will

Eyes transfixed to the light in the distance, she steps forward.
Drawn to it like a moth - its source unknown.
The light draws her near, playing with her sentiment like a dangling bauble waiting to become hers.
The light shines bright, belonging to no one but claimed by all.
Walking towards the light her decision has been made.
There is no turning back, come what may.

nature's salvation

the rain beating down on me felt like re-birth, a baptism of sorts. cool and refreshing pouring down from the sky it cleansed me, not only of the built up dirt and sweat but the mental stress and emotional baggage collected through out the day. i was released, set free...re-birthed. Free to forge ahead unburdened by the days circumstance. the rain poured down on me salvation, i turned my head to the heavens, opened my mouth and drank it up.

the heart of the matter

solid as a rock, its weight too much to bear.
cold and hard, it feeds the darkness.
gray and jagged, it fends off intruders.
this solid mass of guarded indecision blocking the path to freedom.

the source

the wonders of silence penetrate my being. it's as if another reality exists there. Like taking a vacation, silence is a state in which people travel to, not where they live. the ironic thing is that silence is like unchartered territory, there is so much to discover once you're there, no one would want to leave if they experienced it. the sounds that seem to exist only in silence are gifts. then come the thoughts and the supreme level of consideration of all things. it's called being present. and in this state, reality is sublime. one can almost reach out and touch the sounds that seem to make themselves known in this space. sad thing is, we travel there only on special occasions but it's always only a deep breath away. we live life at the speed of light, which doesn't allow us the time to enjoy the sounds of the leaves rustling as the wind pushes its way through them or most simply the sound of our own breathing. we are alive, we are vibrant as is everything that surrounds us. bask in a few moments of silence and take it in.

the buying and selling of bridges

family relationships are an interesting thing. there's that saying about how you don't get to pick your family...you love them anyway of course, because they are yours. i'm not suggesting that i would choose to change any of my family members, they all play a part in who i am and spice up my life in their own way. i am saying though that i may not really know all of my family. you know how that goes, i'm sure. well today i had an interesting exchange with my grandpa. crossing the verrazano bridge today my grandfather who's 75 (about), says to me - if i hit mega (lottery for those who don't know) i am going buy this bridge. i said - really? what are you going to do with it, to which he replied - i am going to build a house on it, and each of his kids will have a house on it too. it was probably one of the cutest things i've heard him say. it was cute but extremely odd at the same time. who builds homes on bridges? but i guess that's not important. i really wish i could've gotten into his head at that moment. was it his age that made him say such a thing, has he always been a dreamer and i didn't realize it, what else don't i know? i wonder. all i can say is that the rest of the ride i paid close attention to the things he did choose to say along the way because every bit could provide some insight into who my grandpa really is - not who i know him to be.

decisions

today's reality is yesterday's dream and tomorrow's memory. how easily today passes into tomorrow and becomes regret. regret for having saved for tomorrow what could have been done today. always believing there is another day, we hesitate and contemplate and forgo. forfeiting the opportunity to re-write our history because tomorrow is another day.

i'm listening

ever wake up with a thought in your head? it's the first thing that comes to you when you open your eyes. this morning it was "plant a seed". once i gathered my senses (after stretching, rubbing my eyes, looking at the time...) either i added this, or it was part of the message but on slight delay - "nurture it and watch it grow". these morning revelations are new to me but i believe they are answers to my prayers, my god's/guide's response to my conversations/requests. it follows the idea of intuition i think, "listen" to your gut. it's novel - put your "stuff" out there in the world and answers/direction will come. i'm sure it comes in different ways for different people. perhaps i listen better in the morning before the craziness and distraction of my work day begins. perhaps my personality needs direct statements because a more symbolic response may be overlooked...i don't expect to understand everything but i have begun to learn how to embrace these declarations. now, i suppose, it's my duty to plant a seed, nurture it and watch it grow. let's see what comes of this....

the true star of the show

A storm battled on in the distance. I could tell by the lights flashing in the sky as if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were walking amongst the clouds being photographed by angelic paparazzi. Some town miles away was getting battered by rain, wind, thunder and lightning while I sat comfortably on my parent's front porch admiring the light show and warm, firm breeze. Lightning cast a net across the sky showing its strength and reach and it was glorious. Having no sense how far away the storm really was I rocked on the porch swing recognizing the majesty of our world. The power the universe wields as electricity bounced from cloud to cloud lighting the sky to bear witness to the world below. What a fantastic display it was.

la belleza

beauty is in the eye of the beholder. i look around every day admiring the beauty in things that on the surface may not appear to be the most fabulous, picture perfect image or setting. in considering beauty looking beyond the traditional or conventional physical traits makes all the difference and all it takes is an extra bit of attention. i was walking down a street in manhattan, not the prettiest or cleanest street, it hadn't received all the tlc that wealthier neighborhoods receive but with all that said it didn't quite matter. the beauty was not in the physical aesthetic of this highly trafficked street but the vibrant energy that buzzed about me as i made my way to my destination. the people, the music, the culture is what radiated here and that was more beautiful to witness. the blessing of physical beauty may not exist in everything but inner beauty or that which lies beneath the surface in the quiet of a moment of reflection is aboundingly more precious.

ode to the dixie chicks and countless others

Aren't we lucky there is music to fit every mood we encounter - happy, sad, pensive, angry and on, and on. Nothing satiates our appetite better than music. Sure you can grab your favorite comfort food when you're feeling down or a beer when you're in party mode but nothing soothes our numerous, flighty moods like music. It's accessible, it's abundant, it's variety is seemingly endless (like our moods). Music reaches down to our core like nothing else can and becomes our companion through triumph and strife. I was thinking about this and realized behind the glitz and glamour behind every song is a person each with the same basic issues, feelings and needs as me. Music is not merely entertainment but a window into ourselves, a connection to one another.

shine

A nun boarded my train this morning. There was a momentary pause in activity as everyone stopped to stare at her in her pale blue garments. Not something you see everyday, that's for sure. I was overcome by a feeling of deep respect and appreciation. I do not refer to religious revelry by any means, but the self-knowing that her vocation represented. This woman had a calling and made a decision. This calling being one of commitment, love and dedication to god (based on who god is for her - insert your god here), in so doing she took on mankind. That's huge!

So I ask, what's your mission? What will you commit to? Start small if you like. But once you decide you will be changed forever and your calling will shine through no pale blue habit necessary.

The Wind

The wind stirs, as its howl echoes around me.

Unconsciously I sway as if its force could move me.

But it is the wind's song that guides my motion.

The wind is a stream of voices cutting through trees,

fondling impenetrable structures as it chooses its path.

It surrounds me as it sings,

blanketing my body as its song entices me.

"Listen to my song," the voices whisper,

"for I have traveled distances unimaginable,

soared through the skies

and danced in the company of the most uncommon of people.

I am eternity."

I listened, touched by the power of the wind's message,

singing of it's journeys, enveloping me in the strength of its song.

And I danced, for what was once the stir of the wind around me,

was now its rhythm beating inside of me.

written in 2003

a moment

He sang to me.

It was but a faded sound in the distance to start but as it drew near he touched my soul.

He sang to me and his soothing melody brought me back to younger days when life seemed simple and I ruled my world.

He sang to me and chiseled away my tough façade constructed brick by brick with my own cynical hands.

He sang to me and I gasped as he loosened the stranglehold of fear that had been suffocating me.

He sang to me and forced me out of my comfort zone as I lifted my gaze to admire the source of this infectious, penetrating voice.

He sang to me, engaged my soul and entertained my spirit but the moment was fleeting.

I reached out for him as his voice began to fade away, placed loose change in his cup and whispered thank you before he advanced to the next subway car.

He sang to me.

sands of time

I stood on the beach with cold waves crashing against my legs. Tiny grains of sand push onto the shore then pull back into the vast ocean, slipping away from under my feet. My grip on the earth reshaped with each undulation. The sand under my feet ages old, its final destination unknown; carrying with it mysteries untold, sights unseen and secrets laid to rest on ocean floor. The sands of time rest under my feet - past, present and future entwined - if only for an instant before continuing its journey.

Found this inspiring poem as I was searching "sands of time":

"A PSALM OF LIFE"

Tell me not in mournful numbers,
"Life is but an empty dream!"
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
"Dust thou art, to dust returnest,"
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us further than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act -- act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labour and to wait.

By Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882).

those in the moment moments

my greatest interest is discovery.

it was a eureka moment, in digital conversation. i may have gotten to the very core of my mechanical make-up. you know like what lights me up, makes me happy, gives me purpose....

my blanket, my testament, my masterpiece

Events and circumstances are the fibers of our lives. I believe these individual fibers interwoven create the fabric of who we are. In other words independent stand-alone events, circumstances, situations come together to form who we are.

So, me, Anietra, I'm a soft, cozy blanket 31 years long. I can visualize an old woman in a rocking chair, crocheting my being from the moment I was pushed out of my mother's womb. Such a huge responsibility for this woman to take on because there is so much work, so much crocheting yet to be done.

My blanket is every color of the rainbow, expressing my abundant youth, colorful heritage, vibrant self-discovery. Colors depicting my hardships and victories, my losses and loves. Everything is represented in this blanket of my life - my testament.

Did I say my blanket was soft and cozy? It did not start out so. In my early years my blanket was too small to judge how it would "turn out". The old woman continued to crochet, content with the notion that she would see how it "turned out" at the end. As the years progressed, these fibers, that were joined to become the fabric of my life - my blanket - seemed to become coarse and rigid. A comfy blanket it was not.

Up to that point, the old woman was crocheting at will. All my experiences were worked into my blanket, not too different then a knitting factory churning out sweaters at assembly line pace. Then there was a shift. I began to discover who I was, began to evaluate each individual fiber of my being and the value I had placed on them. I radiated understanding, acceptance, love and peace. The old woman crocheted them, turning my tough blanket into a supple one and it continues on...

My blanket, my testament, my masterpiece.