Who Am I

Without disappointment, sadness and unhappiness are we complete? Or is there no way for us to truly know who we are without these emotions? Lamentation, examination and resolution providing further clues into the complexities of the human spirit that help define us.

hello

Oh how I have missed you. I think of you often, yet neglect you all the same. My thoughts and feelings, my creations whirling in my mind with not-quite-the-right words devised to communicate the beautiful chaos. i promise to return soon.

dreams

All that I have has slipped through my fingers like trying to make castles in the sand. The castles in my mind - sturdy, beautiful, fairy tale like but my hands do not bring my dreams to life. Time and effort crumbles between my inept fingers. These hands were not made to build. They do not craft fine things. My dreams do not come to life at my will. Instead, the sand castles fall, gracefully, fluidly, surprisingly quickly; my dreams erode. The fate of sand castles - to fall or be washed away, beautiful and short-lived, like my dreams.

futility

I resist the passage of time. I fortify myself in this poignant moment, the moment in which I have become the most complete version of myself.
I beg time to yield, to grant me respite from its eternal ticking.
But time continues on and with it my moment fades into a slowly blurring past.
My realized self becomes a former version of me and I start again brand new.
Tick, tick, tick…

falling for you

Deeper and deeper I fall. Light has been suffocated by penetrating darkness, as I have been suffocated by your consuming presence. I need not light, nor air to live; only the sustenance which your being provides, that which i crave ceaselessly. your eyes, i seek their gaze. cast them upon me now, they alone generate the light i need to guide my way. your eyes, like a beacon ensuring my safety, drawing me into you, my eternal stronghold. i hold my breath in restless anticipation of your embrace. nothing, nothing, nothing breathes life into me as you do. once within your grasp, i breathe you in. my soul is gratified, my spirit whole. i fall and in so doing, i arrive.

key

i yearn to hear your voice, to feel your warm breath on my cheek. whisper those words i wait endlessly to hear. your mouth is the key to my pandora's box. unlock my mysteries, my desires...set me free.

i apologize

we try to own and control that which is not ours to have. sadly, it appears in our nature to do so. is it brought on by having been "owned" and "controlled" by our parents? therefore we seek to recreate it, in some form, in our lives - with or without children. or is it generated from another source? one equally subconscious but driven by emotions, a desire to fill a void with a lack of the proper intelligence required to do so.

it's a perplex issue in that (in most instances), i do not believe there is malintent. we wish things for ourselves and others, we want things for ourselves and others, we believe in things for ourselves and others - and in so wishing, wanting, believing we attempt to realize said things. despite the purported innocence of our behavior, we are still attempting to manipulate people and situations.

this is clearly a difficult path to navigate. we often believe that all we do is intrinsically good. we love, therefore our actions are simply the manifestations of said emotion and therefore pure and fair. but what of our actions can legitimately be defined as pure? when often what is in it for us, is equally as important to us, as what is in it for them. it's so sad yet so true, as cynical as it may seem but all of this, perhaps, has been thrust upon us by conditioning or innocently by the emotions that drive most, if not all of our actions. this affords us a tiny "out".

once one realizes the root of one's actions, it doesn't necessarily make it easier to behave differently in the moment every time...but sometimes may be enough. and in those missed opportunities to act outside ourselves, one has the chance to assess.

i wish, i pray, i endeavor to act outside myself. i do not always achieve my goal but i wish, i hope, i pray that the individual on the receiving end understands my best intentions.